king of wit

publish post.

2008-11-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

567th post, and maybe this is the last.

readership has declined, tagboard's dead. this blog has become unattractive. nothing i write seems interesting or captivating anymore. i guess everyone's been too busy to read or do blogs anymore. myself included. so maybe this should just cease function and i pick out a notebook and start writing for myself. sharing has become an obsolete option.

well, thanks for reading. heres to a blog that spelt cultivated passion (and a decline) for the past 2 years.

closed.

2008-11-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

people are undependable. well, i dont depend on people and dont enjoy to. but in some cases we are without a choice. circularly enough, i dont like depending on people simply because they cant be depended on. even for the simplest things. i always think the worst of them, i know.

call it relentless kiasu behavior, absent mindedness or sheer stupidity- its all human anyway, and i dont like that.

closing.

set yourself on fire.

2008-11-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

i really really wanna watch Stars in concert.

but somehow, once again, when it comes to things like these- theres no one.

im sick and extremely tired. i feel like running into a neverland and hide there, or just disappear. i wanna close my blog and wake up in a beach. i just wanna get away from all this internal loneliness and wake up alone away from people, physically; where i know there really arent real people and theres nothing i can do about it but go crazy.

right now ive no excuse to.

or maybe i should go to the concert myself like some lonesome wanker and pretend im having the time of my life. after all, it is Stars..

step inside.

2008-11-11T07:50:00.000-08:00

i suppose the key to any measure of fulfillment would require us not only to know what we want, but to stoically proclaim what we don't want, what we know can never be ours, what we know was never meant for us.

some things are not meant to be. some people are never meant to be.

2008-11-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

i wake up everyday trying to find a meaning.

almost everyday i don't.

i sink back into slumber.

my look box.

2008-11-04T16:10:00.000-08:00

never thought id be so immersed in art.

im obsessed with beauty.

and to me you were beautiful. you'd always be.

breathe.

2008-11-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

today was a day to remember. my returned assignments had positive comments and our studio session was awesome. prof loved our model and drawings. from near desperation, we produced some 'robust' model. i never felt so truly satisfied.

and then i went for a nice hard long run.

there was dp rehearsal at night. the first proper one. wasnt too bad.

my day is complete. ive done everything i could do. and maybe, this is testimony im everything i can be.

ive lived- im living.

throw.

2008-10-31T12:20:00.000-07:00

i really, really have to learn how to not care.

this is sickening.

on a lighter note, was a good friday night. tropic thunder was awesome.

rock n rolla please.

disenchanted.

2008-10-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

i was just about to say how difficult i find it to keep up with the current; until a single image just reduced everything i seek to control to pure emotion. raw emotion that i find very difficult to negate, seemingly impossible to overthrow.

i may just be losing a war i started (with) myself.

glistened.

2008-10-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

I had a dream

I stood beneath an orange sky

I'm not depressed, thats too harsh. I'm just entering the most depressing stage in my life right now- and I doubt it'd be easy to come out.

Depressing, not Depressed.

2008-10-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

it makes me really, really, really, really angry.

so terribly pissed off.

and suddenly.

2008-10-25T13:29:00.001-07:00

so i posed this to ci and rachel..

what would you do if you knew you were gonna die in 24 hours?

empires of dirt.

2008-10-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

and all the love withers into hate;

we wake up, we work, we come home, we bask in twilight, we ponder, we work again, we sit back, we heave a sigh over a long day, we look at the clock.

its the end of the day, and you're here, a subject of your own time, your own choice.

thoughts run across, emotions run wild.

here i am stroking a keyboard, in a melting pot of angst and faded hope- i am cold.

i always have been. goodnight.

battlefield.

2008-10-21T04:31:00.001-07:00

had a different kind of weekend this time round. rushing projects, cutting wood, watching ivp races, running up and down to meet old friends, running a devastating 10k real run route, waking up into sleep, sleeping to fall awake- split in consciousness.

its the same deal- a mismatch of emotions, a sullen monotony embracing any deeper melancholy.

sometimes i guess this is how life has shaped up for me, the life i chose- not so much what life has made me to be.

im not dying, and i certainly don't know if im living right now either.

i miss talking to you the way we once did. i never missed anything so much.

timed.

2008-10-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

the date just bugs me. its amazing how human faith can be turned around into something so naive and unreal. makes the matter of the subject equally surreal and distant.

all the could haves, would haves and should haves- thats just a matter of opinion.

talk about nostalgia, makes me angry sometimes.

broken aisle.

2008-10-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

i need to watch a movie.

1. vicky cristina barcelona

2. my magic

3. rock and rolla

4. burn after reading.

anyone of these. i need help. im less than half the movie buff i used to be. batman was my last movie. sigh. call/sms okay. thanks.

after a while, all this just gets questionable and becomes a difficult pill to swallow. school aside, i really loathe this period in my life right now.

goodnight people.

2008-10-04T06:57:00.000-07:00

adversity. i can sense it.

clutter.

2008-10-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

people are like books.

when they get too difficult too read, or wind up becoming excessively boring- possibly with a bad ending, you just toss them away and forget about em.

a bad book doesn't inspire you, who is trying to write the story of your own.

the ego has landed.

2008-10-03T05:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a God-fearing runner and I'm goddamn proud of it.

ring a bell?

people will remember me for that full-of-himself asshole who runs, and runs.

and keeps running.

free-falling

2008-10-02T07:55:00.000-07:00

today has been a relatively good day. managed all the submissions, work and stuff. studio work looks promising. had a good training in the evening. feel that fitness coming back slowly.

but sometimes, no matter how good i feel, how my head swims in the clouds, my feet will always be dragged down onto cold earth.

colder truths envelop our existence; inner ghosts that will continue to haunt us.

inner demons who taunt us.

the sundays i prefer.

2008-09-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

theres this surreal beauty in a morning run. embracing the waking sun, being able to pull yourself outta bed- somehow, knotting those laces, riding through the wind..

its a great feeling. even more by the time you're back its still early enough for a morning coffee and a sunday paper. (:

these past 6 days alone i manage to clock a 40k mileage. matter of time before im back, up there.

rain.

2008-09-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

there are times we have to raise the stakes, times when we be bigger men, times when we do things beyond our inherent capacity, times when we simply- believe.

that time is now.

conscious decisions.

2008-09-24T10:04:00.001-07:00

ive always wondered whats so hard about making a call, or even the faintest gestures of saying hi. by saying 'how are you?' we aren't exactly interested in one's state of being- as we may already know. its the principle of showing you care, or can care.

i guess this is how distances are borne and friendships lost.

personally, im alright with that. i dont really care- though i bear serious skepticism. most of the time, its the bafflement you have to deal with when they go 'gosh what happened to you?' or 'where have you been?'

no shit sherlock, ive NOOOO IDEA myself.

cheers folks. enjoy RECESS WEEK. :D

2008-09-23T15:16:00.001-07:00

tomorrow i will wake up and change my life.

goodnight.

malleable.

2008-09-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

i suppose there are only two kinds of people in this world: the happy, and the never.

i went for a run today. and for the first time ever, it felt like escapism.

in the sun.

2008-09-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

I need to find that same vengeance, that same zeal that pulled me through dog days.

I cannot keep depending on adversity and fear to exhume that courage out of me. I've got to find it inside. I have to take control. I cannot keep sinking like this. I cannot afford to crash. I have to. I have to do this.

I'm better than this.

I have to prove I am alive. I will claim my humanity.

nightfall.

2008-09-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

The body is a house of many windows; showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us.

-Robert Louis Stevenson

I give up. I have a curse. I am condemned.

exit music.

2008-09-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

it pays to be an asshole sometimes. you get used to all the shit life throws you.

we don't ever have to be a single person, a sole identity. we can be many things, many people and theres no limit to that. question is to maintain realms of social intergrity, without crossing the other, without contradicting ends. just complementing, moving, accomodating, adapting and evolving into this multi-functional, flexible state of consciousness.

we're puppets. only difference is we can know what's pulling our strings.

2008-09-15T10:14:00.001-07:00

and they forget; people can be hurt- even if they choose not to.

orange sky.

2008-09-15T04:50:00.000-07:00

my entries have been a tad mellow lately, or conventionally known as emo to most of you. well, i guess ive been thinking too much, again. had a good run today. gonna be a lighter week than usual.

i suppose theres some reason to be excited. watchmen! movie's only out next year though. bummer. apart from ironman and batman, this year has been disappointing. i doubt quantum of solace can produce much either. this movie will be the best of its kind since V and 300. cannnot wait!

night owl!

defeated.

2008-09-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

is there really someone for everyone?

i honestly doubt so. maybe im even giving up on any notion of romance.

it just breeds frustration, jealousy, anger, contempt, hate- and ultimately, a self destruction of the human soul.

i was wrong, i need to be loved- and theres no one for me. im not everyone.

the scientist.

2008-09-13T10:04:00.001-07:00

fuck man u lost to pool. ruined my day.

im listening to coldplay, enjoying the ambience of a surreal past- to find my world track back to what could have been, a strange and unassuming emotion; a passion that could have lasted a lifetime.

a conscience that can consume me forever.

sometimes i really dont know what am i doing, despite knowing exactly what i want.

2008-09-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

I don't like this feeling.

hate it. eats me inside.

immortalization.

2008-09-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. And then, one not-so-very special day, I went to my typewriter, I sat down, and I wrote our story. A story about a time, a story about a place, a story about people. But above all things, a story about love. A love that will live forever. The End.

- Christian, Moulin Rouge!

I love that movie. We may grow to be old, jaded and depressed. But sometimes knowing an ideal exists..thats enough. Just the ideal. Its enough. Enough for me.

golden tickets.

2008-09-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

if life really were a box of chocolates and theres this element of surprise in what we pick, maybe then its apt that this all existential 'box of chocolates' is shared by all- and we all have the same pick at the same pie and we never know what we gonna get. so then that explains competition, need, will and desire for all things aplenty. we keep digging and digging- and most of the time at an empty depression, where someone had already taken that piece. for some of us, we do fine with a wrapper, a glossy wrapper to wave around and call ours. the select ones have that chocolate in hand, savoring it, for all to see. the silent ones, they just munch on it and shut the fuck up.

some others remember that there is after all a second tray beneath that mess, and slowly but surely devour the whole lot- living life, while the rest die to live.

reporting live.

2008-09-06T19:57:00.000-07:00

taking a step back, being the quiet observant one who sketches the social scene, the one who pens their every move, every emotion -suffices sometimes. witnessing happiness borne out of others in what they feel for can give you reason.

that even if you are not happy yourself, others think they may be, or are under the wonderful delusion that they are- and faithfully believe so. it becomes so poignant to a bird-eye view that even true happiness exists somewhere. maybe they found it, thats great. but you sitting there waiting for it to find you? i suppose it never really works.

maybe we should stand up and make happiness. make ourselves happy.

2008-09-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

today is a really, really bad day.

a game of pretend.

2008-09-02T04:54:00.000-07:00

my macpro arrived.
my fitness is dipping.
im running outta music.
i discovered my flair in charcoal drawing.
ive made some good friends.
i feel left out sometimes.
ive been terrible at soccer recently.
i miss you.
im moving on.

somehow everything is a mashup of contradictions and one-for-one emotions. its tiring feeling so many things at once. you cant even choose.

i cant even choose to choose.

a moment of clarity.

2008-08-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

there were times when i was dying to win races, dying to salvage my studies, dying to come out on top, dying to make a difference, dying to love, dying to be loved, dying for something real, dying, dying. just dying.

it feels as though ive forgotten what living is all about.

two-wheeler.

2008-08-28T02:21:00.001-07:00

i can ride my bike with no handlebars.

ha.

my week has been burning out, getting back up, going all out, burning out, sinking to my knees, desolution, getting back up, burning out, going all out, standing up. keeping my head up.

i can do anything.

we can be heroes.

2008-08-25T09:41:00.000-07:00

i am cruelly obsessed with challenging myself and pushing my limits.

its a spectacle to see how far you can go, and how much you can achieve. an awe inspiring one indeed.

space.

2008-08-22T13:01:00.000-07:00

architecture has been really really hectic. but very fulfilling. i will say i am actually enjoying myself.

hall life is just fun. provides some institutional comfort too at times.

my fitness is picking up. i will get those days back- soon.

but something is seriously lacking, missing, displaced. whatever it is, it makes everything seem an emotionless routine. there are no little joys to look forward to, to crave for, to be excited about.

theres this dark and winding road that leads away from me.

your smile.

2008-08-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

its been 3 months.

.

memories, they are immortal.

love all, trust none.

2008-08-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

theres always this gap between whatever we know and how we materialize it into speech. thats just the same as to say whether we are saying what we actually know. more importantly, what we truly know.

yes, we lie. the selfish, self-righteous bastards we are. we all lie.

thing is under what circumstances and for what? more importantly, for who. lying can be an act to conceal the truth, and agreeably may be considered protective- somewhat human in nature. but we must also consider to what extent, and if we are really protecting someone else other than ourselves.

if we are lying to conceal truths and facts about ourselves, then the morality is lost. the immunity is shaken and any utilitarianistic motive is gone. unless, we can find enough reason to lie about something about ourselves that will have a devastating impact on many people. for that, just remain silent. dont lie, no one will ask you if you keep silent.

end of the day its a matter of principle. wave that gun in the air and point, but dont pull the trigger and hurt somebody.

old mirrors.

2008-08-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

i have never questioned myself, until today.

am i that bad?

.

someone tell me a bedtime story.

lift me up.

2008-08-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

im imploding.

no its not the insane work load. im just craving familiarity and comfort.

i feel so cold, so heartless, so angry.

invictus.

2008-08-11T07:44:00.000-07:00

today is the first day.

i have never had the smoothest start to any chapter. though i may stumble over and over, i know my determination will see me through. in every course of a human journey, only the end will justify the very means- or at least thats how it usually works out for me. no matter what happens or how it happens- who i am will make a difference.

this is my life, this is my choice.

this is me; the architect of my fate.

today is the first day, of the rest of my life.

smile like you mean it.

2008-08-09T04:28:00.000-07:00

i once read somewhere that happiness can be defined as the amount of fulfilment or satsifaction divided by the amount of expectations.

it is impossible to live a life with minimal expectations. we cant have a sense of fulfillment without first expecting. most of the time we expect more than we can fill ourselves with.

and thats when we forget we are simply human- incapable of being happy all the time.

and even if we narrowed down expectations to a bare minimum, we would be devoid of dreams and aspirations- and that wouldn't be living life at all.

08.08.08

2008-08-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

cool date. many things to note, namely rag and olympics.

somehow in a state of exhaustion, you get a clearer mental picture. things fall into place like like tetris cubes.

and there you are, glazed into the midday light- with so much to think about and absolutely nothing to feel for. everything just happens, and for a short while, you just feel like a digit, a number, a statistic.

big shoes.

2008-08-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

from one of my favourite graphic novels, watchmen:

A man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. He says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

The doctor says "The treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up."

The man bursts into tears. He says "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."

.

and people say im funny.

give and take.

2008-08-04T11:22:00.001-07:00

everything takes time they say.

but how easy we forget what time takes away from us.

forbidden fruits.

2008-08-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Love is a force.
It is always resisting something.
It is never there, floating in space, waiting for something to happen.
It is a trump card, a testimony of free will.

;

yeah i know, im idealistic.

?

2008-08-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

i am at a stage where i suffer from many conflicting emotions all at once. right now, i need to properly define how i feel.

cause when i do, only then i can act accordingly to it. in this current state, im just floating in and out of idealistic notions looking for answers without questioning.

im walking around with a big fucking question mark on my forehead.

2008-07-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

i loved.

and that should be enough to put me to sleep tonight.

pad up.

2008-07-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

its 3am. once more, i have the strange compulsion to log in blogger and scribble my musings before relcutantly hitting the sack in which i spend another half hour dwelling in mundane thoughts before waking up groggy and grumpy regretting my self-diagnosed (with the help of wikipedia) mildly insomniac behaviour.

hall life has been refreshing. the past week has been spent catching up with all people, swearing at a new system, seeding anti-institutional sentiments, sleeping on an umcomfortable latexfoamshitwhatever mattress, admiring my room (which i painstakingy decorated), ragging- as it is culturally defined over here, working out, clocking good mileage, having unneccessary suppers and cursing my bloody laptop which lags like a three legged chicken, secretly hoping my macbook pro arrives asap under the laptop scheme.

but with all that, nothing beats the feeling now- that sheer sardonic pleasure streaming through the sides of your head, the little laugh of sick fun realizing you have 24 mcs for architecture in your first sem, plus another 4 mcs for a usp writing module.

this is how i shall begin my tertiary (i dunno where the fuck jc lies) education- 28 mcs for my year one, sem one.

dorian gray.

2008-07-25T12:14:00.001-07:00

one day im going to design such great buildings. people shall remember the structure, and not me. the immortality of the architecture shall prevail.

.

it just feels like yesterday i loved you so. remember the love we had, and not me. look back with no regrets nor heartache- and just smile.

all that you can be.

2008-07-24T11:11:00.001-07:00

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
-Malvolio

hide and seek.

2008-07-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

life is beautiful. it is.

living it, now thats the hard part.

its 3am.

2008-07-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

there are no stories, no memories. only alcohol, ontological musings, the Oasis, random iambic pentameters and megalomaniac tendencies.

romance is dead. I am not.

reason in time.

2008-07-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

hall life is fun. well, at least before school starts. my room is cosy. i like.

somehow im not excited about anything at all right now, though im preoccupied and tied up with stuff. i know my goals, my aspirations, my commitments. but theres just this deromanticization of everything. its all a projected monotony crafted into another system.

here i am, still poetic and cycnical of life's cruel imperfections. but within this blur, i will outline what is true and meaningful for myself.

.

a long time ago, that feeling was you- like Christmas morning. that, that was real. i was a choice to that feeling.

we never happened, by chance.

pandora.

2008-07-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

i am nowhere to be found. my mirror peels a timeless past.

everywhere there a little bits of you and me- little bits that sweep time into its misfortune.

we can move on, but do we truly get over?

can we?

madness is like gravity.

2008-07-19T12:02:00.001-07:00

heh, apparently dark knight is such a 'me' movie.

i cant deny that. its up there with trainspotting and city of god for me.

maybe im just cruelly obsessed with individual truisms and heroic ethics that serve to undermine other moralistic social constructs. theres a profound sense of humanity when a man defies odds and does the unthinkable- and lives the unbelievable.

there are no heroes, only heroics. and that to me is the first step.

six strangers.

2008-07-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

usp camp was nice. im tired. i havent slept in days- and i mean dayS. total of 14 hours for 5 days? truncated sentences. yes i am tired to a point i dont feel it anymore. woohoo. i can survive archi now. ha.

dark knight was...just so brilliant.

indulging in dark pseudo-Machiavelliean ideals makes my day.

the whole pursuit of happiness and la la land life full of daisies and blue skies is soooo overrated. people dont find joy; it finds them- and that too if they're lucky. sometimes chance is really a necessary unbiased opiate.

so sometimes we ought to just shut up and wait- graciously.

crimson tides.

2008-07-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

its mid july again.

and for the past 4 years, its been the period of track nationals- something i looked forward to after dreary cross country seasons. i sought redemption in track, in 800, in 1500, and they paid their dividends. nothing, and i mean nothing can ever take away that exhilaration, effervescent adrenaline, pride, shock and that shining glory- that definitive second when you cross the line and glance at the electronic clock, and the multitude of nature's emotions sink in.

you just collapse. and in your heart you know: fuck, that was the shit.

.

yes, good luck juniors. make yourselves (not some fucking ungrateful recognition-blind institutional unit) proud. :)

now, i shall resume doing what i do best- in uni.

post #500.

2008-07-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

yay. whatever.

i was listening to the radio today, and im not so surprised to learn that the top 3 songs on the top20 chart are post-relationship/break up songs. it was better in time by leona lewis, always be my baby by david cook, and topped with take a bow by rihanna. strangely enough, it strengthens my belief that there can be something so pure and ideal about the resolution of a relationship. like, a necessary romanticism to it all- that could well fortify sufficient memories and kill off that glimmer of hope that prevents one from moving on; from ultimately letting go.

i still think john mayer did it the best.

"It was a song, that kind about the part in a relationship that you know its over; and you kinda have your final, final bow together. and ive been working on this song in the studio. i didnt have a title, i didnt have any lyrics for it- and it kinda sounds like 'slow dancing in a burning room'. so that became the title and i wrote my song around it. its about the end of a relationship and its kinda like watching it all burn down in front of you- making it into a beautiful thing. its called slow dancing in a burning room."

-John Mayer / on Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

2008-07-12T05:18:00.001-07:00

somehow people do the exact things to piss me off.

and somehow, all at the same time.

fuck.

finders keepers.

2008-07-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

when we let go, there's probably more to that sense of attachment or person we are letting go of. more often than not, there is a part of ourself that we release as well. there is no psychological reaction, no withdrawal- just an emotive segment of our cognition thats being sacrificed. thats when we become cold, resignated and bitter.

and realizing the selfish bastards we all are, are we altruistic enough to throw a part of ourselves away? and yes, throw. that shit aint coming back till it grows again slowly with time.

of greater concern, are we fully capable, to consciously let go?

maybe thats why it takes forever to find ourselves completely. we're incomplete.

2008-07-10T13:44:00.000-07:00

we either die a hero or live long enough to see ourselves become the villain.

morals have always been obsolete.

the die is cast.

2008-07-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

its a warm wednesday afternoon, i just got back from the airport. yewjin's back. *gives praise* and i have a mild hangover.

when im mildy intoxicated, i tend to have these sudden flow of inter-connecting thoughts. like a relieved mental congestion, where the world seems so easy to absorb. blood and alcohol flow like rivers of milk and honey. a sudden transfusion of stark realization and reality appears in a clear picture. talk about high definition; images are drawn into sharper contrast, truths bare their chests at statues of lie and deceit.

i just lie there, wherever i am, another world maybe; but present in time, conscious of everything, and anything. arms stretched wide and i embrace life- its pain, the multitudes of pleasure. im a saint, im a sinner. memories dance in front of me and my future shrieks from a distance, calling, just calling my name- reminding me of all that i can do, all that i am physically and humanely capable of.

sometimes i wish i could transpose this defining experience into words- but it always seems impossible. sounds outlandish and silly, but i really do think better when im high.

i sit up, realize my feet are firm of the ground- my head's in the clouds, and in my heart i am aware; fully aware im just a simple guy- who's destined to do great things.

dreary eyed.

2008-07-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

ive too much in my head. shall blog when the sun is up.

im freefalling into oblivion.

2008-07-05T19:42:00.001-07:00

off to kl for a week now. bye people.

sometimes it feels like escapism.

crying shame.

2008-07-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

i wish i could just snap my fingers and rewind time to say a year ago, when everything was wonderful.

now, all i can do is cross my fingers each day and solemnly pray for change- that one day you may get over all the bitterness and ugliness and realize that there was something sweet in it after all.

that a year ago, we were friends, and i enjoyed talking to you.

i dont want a permanently bad ending to this all. we still have the power to change.

oh yes world, i am depressed.

derailed.

2008-07-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

overall, the architecture camp was fun (minus the cacophonous cheers and iq depreciating group games). terribly tired though!

.

sometimes, when the train moves too fast- it feels as though the train is just where it is, stationary at a standstill, with the whole world running by. and you, just a stranger in a carriage, stuck with other strangers- thinking you're heading somewhere.

like a relative thing.

sometimes you think you're moving along, just moving on. but maybe its the whole world and everyone thats running past you, and you- who's utterly focused on getting there (a certain somewhere you cant even see the end) - fail to peer through that glazed window to catch a breath of that running beauty pacing fast against the iron tide. and so you fail to do so, and so you shall fail to realize too that perhaps the 'running world' is after all the right path- and maybe you ought to run with them, and so ahead of them.

for now, just pull the emergency plunger and get off that train. i wouldn't move on if i don't know where im heading.

grace.

2008-06-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

there are some things in life worth dying for.

but most things are worth living for- without calling into question its worth, even in the eyes of death.

choose Hope.

2008-06-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

today has been a great day. or at least i thought so.

spent my last day as a relief teacer at pioneer sec only for a few hours. had a good morning coffee with steve, just like how it always was that past 6 months. then i was off for a good game of futsal. ah, such pleasure. really enjoyed myself! then we had some good prawn noodles before headin to town to catch wanted! ahh, nice nice- despite the anti-physics. just bout got home when i was out again to holland v.

been a day doing stuff i like with some great company.

.

felt good. and all it takes is one song, a few signs here and there- and im reminded once more how insignificant any measure of this comfort is. im compounded with abysmal regret and resignation all the same.

i just wanna place this past away and start over- start over as strangers. i know your hands hurt, but it really does take two hands to clap. and what more, you only have to use one.

there is nothing i can do alone but watch you fade into the sunset.

and i dont want to; even if it means going blind.

choking on words.

2008-06-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

this is the essay i wrote for nus usp:

A writer once said that the first sentence was always the hardest to write. The irony: my first sentence exemplifies the nature of it. However, I write now not to dissect the nature of literary constructs, but more importantly, what happens first- in the mind. What I find intriguing is how a writer thinks, and how his thoughts transpose into words.

If most philosophers recorded their work, then to me, most philosophers were writers. As I have introduced earlier, writing, which is the only way to record philosophy, offers its own limitations. Even though Greek titans such as Plato and Socrates were masters of interrogation and seminar-style discussions, these oral exchanges were also recorded. Thus establishing the relationship between the two, namely writing and philosophy, I would like to further stake claim that they are mutually dependent and offer limitations to one another. For one, philosophy requires writing to express itself. On the other hand, writing itself is the philosophy of thought.

My main cause of my attention however, is the relationship between the two. Thoughts are usually idealized and existent in one’s mind without a necessary use of defined language. A good philosopher may not necessarily be a good writer. For example, in the later days of Nietzche, before he suffered mental illnesses, his works were increasingly difficult to dissect and understand. Perhaps and most likely, there was a lot of radical genius in his head, but could not be expressed in common terms and language.

This is something I can personally relate to. Not that I would consider myself neither an academic philosopher nor even a literary writer. In any case, I would only be responsible as far as only engaging in both the fields I am highly passionate about. In my Knowledge and Inquiry Independent Study (IS), I enquired the nature and construction of the knowledge of romantic love. Not many philosophers have enquired the subject, and even if they did, it was as far as what Love is in the philosophical sense. I believe philosophers naturally engage themselves in more fundamental questions that less loosely defined. Romantic love, as compared to utilitarianism for example, is less structured a concept and does not warrant as much objectivity.

The reason I introduce this example of romantic love is to simply illustrate my proposition that there exists a difficulty between converting thoughts into mere words, what more, the philosophy of love. The only reason I can find, and as introduced, is that certain subject matter are less structurally defined- and hence obstructs the philosophical discussion, and furthermore, the writing of it. This then is the highest concern of my discussion as I am an individual who engages in both the fields and this realization of the matter only offers one conclusion for me. Simply enough, the philosophy of certain subject matter is then not weak or under-developed; it all just exists in its own entirely but faces stiff challenges from a lack of structural definition that prevents deep philosophical inquiry and writing.

This conclusion of mine has certainly aided my philosophical enquires as well as literary constructs of subject matter. The deep set realization of the nature of such inquiry and its mechanisms allows one to expand his horizons in the nature of thought, and ultimately, construct a higher degree of knowledge with effective thinking and writing.

St. Jude

2008-06-25T09:07:00.000-07:00

there is certainly no good in goodbye; and perhaps hell till hello.

.

pray.

atonement.

2008-06-23T06:40:00.000-07:00

how do we cope with loss?

what more, how do we live with ourselves? knowing we have done wrong before, knowing now- we cannot do anything.

how to save a life.

2008-06-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

regret, consumes me.

its not so much my regret either. I just dont want any bitterness, any sadness, any pain. i hate myself for saying all those things, doing all those things. even i wouldnt forgive myself. so much for wanting to create and inspire, i end up destroying all that near me- even the happiness of others.

this isnt a fuck up. i myself am not a fuck up.

i- just- fuck up.

.

i would probably say sorry every hour, or every minute. but i mean it far beyond any breath of every living second- every moment, every flash of regret.

2008-06-21T22:11:00.001-07:00

I am sorry.

Strider.

2008-06-21T07:27:00.001-07:00

this is just fucked up.

i hate the unnecessary minor preoccupations when there are more crucial issues at hand. but wait, who am I to judge what is there to talk, or much ado about anything anyway? this is a defeated cause- where initiative fails, emotions fail and the foundations of all memories are clustered into dark shadows.

i suppose we cant keep trying to wash our hands off if that stain is never gonna leave. well, some of us think otherwise, or other things. and that ugliness borne was a matter of choice.

and it wasn't mine.

this is definitely not the way to go. but i concede that with great conflicts of interest, it is the only way.

2008-06-20T08:35:00.000-07:00

what did i do that was so wrong?

i never wanted things to be so ugly.

im going to suffocate and die right now.

bow.

2008-06-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

i really dont know what to write about these days.

everything has become too cumbersome, too bothersome. and i cant bring myself to care much bout things with any definitive passion. im not saying i dont care anymore. maybe its a phase. maybe its a state of mind im bounded by under emotionless conditions.

i feel so lifeless.

or maybe theres a cosmic theory of being thats bound to strike me hard and place an ugly perspective onto my self-righteous ideologies.

:(

emotions.

2008-06-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

like cancer. they spread easily but difficult to deal with.

.

running has become too personal and competitive. i just wanna have fun playin soccer all day. i think theres no greater ecstasy than that feeling from scoring a goal.

closer.

2008-06-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

futsal was just great this morning. save a sprained ankle! and watching holland tear france apart with a series of magical goals is just amazing.

i can occupy myself with anything and everything in the world, but it takes is one moment of stark realization to place everything into a perspective; a perspective filled with distant memories running through my bloodless veins, chasing me into a place where the road runs deep, runs long- runs to nowhere.

and i will just stand there and close my eyes, knowing you're there;

where nowhere is now; here.

fly.

2008-06-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

life back home has been alright. so much euro, sleeping, ps, reading, going out- catching up with old friends. i miss you jo! today was cool! haha.

hope i have a good week, then its back to work in spore and prep for uni and shit.

and thinkin bout uni, im really keen on takin up track again. only thing holdin me back is that archi is goin to be shitass heavy. added with usp and the pressure of maintaining asean. ah well.

but i really, really miss that exhilaration of an 800m race.

maybe its time to pick up that old spikes..

throw it away and buy a new one.

screw sentimentality and heroic endings, i will break the 2 min barrier for the 800 one day.

endings never end, and are never rewritten; they just prolong.

19.

2008-06-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

gosh my friends are brilliant. haha. i figure this could be a great great birthday. im really very happy! so well, im off to kl then for a week now!

I remember many other things too, but I wont forget that feeling when I see your smile. and right now, thats bout the only thing I want for my birthday.

that candle still burns.

2008-06-06T10:28:00.001-07:00

closer by travis.

remember?

under-buffed.

2008-06-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

last movie i caught was ironman.

feeling really shitty. havent caught sex and the city, KING FU PANDA, and even indie.

and no, dont compare yourself to me. i really do like movies. i don't just hit a cinema to waste ten bucks and then complain bout it.

:(

the realism of love.

2008-06-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

"Love is giving someone the permission to hurt you but trusting them not to."

this explains why, despite being hurt once, we still love that special person. it reaches a stage where we don't trust them anymore when it comes to not hurting us- and rightfully enough, they still hurt us, and we still love them. in the simplest form, when we are hurt the first cut, that trust is broken, and broken for good- a point where being hurt doesn't matter anymore.

I wont go on to suggest that being hurt is the price of love. after a while, hurting and being hurt is just a part of love.

love is just "Love", the idealistic notion we brag about.

loving, now that is difficult- that calls for individual idealism to strengthen it.

or more commonly known as faith.

many more to come.

2008-06-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

42.195 km.

ive conquered it.

more than a race, so much more than just a marathon. it embodied a lot- many things i've failed to see in this life.

i completed a marathon, but i had revelations running after me.

2008-05-31T01:43:00.000-07:00

running was my first love- ahead of anything or anyone else.

sundown.

2008-05-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

you know the expression 'use your head'? i don't think people are heartless; they just don't use their hearts.

well, tomorrow is my first marathon.

and im glad its going to be singapore's first night race. doesnt really matter if im fully prepared or not. i just have one long, dark and winding road to conquer.

with dim streetlights guiding me, all by myself- using my heart.

shadows who run.

2008-05-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

exactly a year ago i was scared shitless at the prospect of losing my scholarship. i was under probation, under immense scrutiny. somehow, i pulled through, i kept it.

two days ago, nus offered me asean to do archi.

today i signed the letter and mailed it.

there was no joy, no nostalgia. just a goal in mind- a single grey path carved upon fields of dissolute memories.

flames to dust.

2008-05-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

being happy is a choice. thinking bout what can make you happy is just a risk.

its okay, its always okay.

but im not.

still here.

2008-05-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

i've good news today. great news. will talk bout it when things are official.

i have a very bright future but i cant find it in me to see any light in it just yet.

im happy, but not erratic. im satisfied, but not content. man i dont wanna take things for granted. i just want my happy ending.

if i could idealize any notion of my future and craft it out in a sketch, it would mean nothing to me. but if i can etch my love in the finest way possible there, it would be complete. it would be real; it would make everything real.

forget about materializing love onto paper. a portrait of you is enough.

somewhere.

2008-05-26T05:07:00.000-07:00

accepted architecture at nus today. and usp too. looks like im set for a long 5-6 years now.

.

i feel so empty, like a big part of my life is missing.

it doesn't hurt or make one sad per se, its just..a sense of surreality that demands a lot.

i don't know whats real anymore.

candles.

2008-05-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to feel about things. apathy can be a bad thing, especially when you're not the one feeling it. i hate, just hate the way people behave about things. a lack of responsibility, a lack of emotion, a complete lack of respect for someone else.

on a lighter note, happy birthday rachel! you've been such an amazing friend to me. everything i wanted to say i said it already. but really. thanks for everything, especially the transparency and honesty we share. after all, im lacking some in my life now.

when I stupidly swore by the Golden Rule.

2008-05-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

if you store or shelve your wine under favorable conditions, you will probably guarantee better tasting wine.

don't do that to a person.

wine gets sweeter over time. people just get bitter.

memento mori

2008-05-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

i have great friends.

i suppose nothing was ever easy, at least for me.

being hurt is..difficult. especially when you are strong about it.

'Remember that you are but a man!'